Transition & Changes

May 16, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Transition and Changes

There comes a time in our lives where we are so used to the routine that when is time to change we freak out. We think we have everything figured out and when it’s time to go further to the next level we are afraid or just not ready. This is exactly what happened to me right after college, I had been looking forward to graduating and being a responsible adult but when the time came I realized I was not ready for these changes.

After four years of hard work, I had finally reached my biggest goal yet, to become a college graduate – A professional. It was a mix of emotions because I was super excited to have reached something that I had set my mind on getting for a long time but at the same time I was hesitant for what was to come. I no longer needed to study, which I had done most of my life, and now it was time for me to act as an adult and support myself.

Luckily for me I landed a job right after college. I had the opportunity to be at an office and work from 9am-5pm having experienced this and working there for a few months. I realized I was too young for this to be doing this for the rest of my life. I was only 22 years old at the time and felt I needed to travel and have new experiences.

I was going through a weird transitions where I did not know where I stood, I had studied all of my life and that was what was expected from me. Now, this was over and now I had to face reality and  be a responsible adult. It was a tough time for me because I had to re-structure my life and set my priorities which had changed now that I had reached my biggest goal yet.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life,  I felt I was at time in my life where any decision I made would affect the rest of my life. If I keep the job, I would probably work and grow professionally and not have the time to travel and see the world. If I travel, I would probably have a hard time finding a job and most likely be stuck in life. I had thought about this over and over and I knew I did not want to go home, it felt going home would be a big step back in life and that was not the direction I wanted to go.

I knew I wanted to travel and see the world, I had never been to Europe other than Spain. I still wanted that experience of travelling and getting to see the different cultures in these countries. I did not just want to visit, I wanted to be there and learn about their lifestyle. It was obvious that I wanted to go somewhere else, San Francisco had been an incredible place that helped me grow and get to know myself better but I knew it was time for a change. I had been in San Francisco for 4 year and I was ready for something new and exciting. I was not sure how this would  happen but I knew I would make it happen.

Finishing a chapter in life and starting a new one is not always easy, I can frankly say that. I thought I was the only one but having shared my experience with friends and family, I have learned  that it is a common thing we all go through at some point in our lives. There is never a right or wrong answer when we decide what to do with our lives. We just have to take risks in life to in order to move forward and even if we don’t have the answers to our questions, take a break and soon you’ll find them.

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New Friendships

May 8, 2013 By Leave a Comment

New Friendships

I have realized, I like surrounding myself by older people. I feel whenever I meet someone who is older than me, I automatically find them interesting. I feel I can learn so much from them and I’m usually curious to know about their experiences in life, for they have been around longer than I have. That is usually what I look for in friendships, and I’m sure most people do, someone that will aport something positive in our lives. Someone who can help us learn about life and grow as individuals.

Having said this, I feel very lucky having found someone like this in San Francisco, as I mentioned on “LGBT Group Sessions” it took me some time to find a group of gay friends that I could connect with. Luckily, one of my good friends Bere, introduced me to a guy she knew from back home. They did not know each other well but she thought it would be a good idea for us to meet. We started a friendship and honestly I have to say I am glad we became friends.

I needed to find a person that was willing to take me under his wing and introduce me to the “gay world” and that is exactly what “Joe” did. He knew my situation and wanted to help me be comfortable with myself and embrace my homosexuality. At the time I had so many questions and thankfully I had him there to help me out. I guess, I just needed someone that was comfortable with themselves to help me move toward that direction.

Joe helped me see the “gay world” differently. I had grown having a negative perception of the gay community and it was hard to let go of these things. Visiting the gay neighborhood and being surrounded in that environent helped me slowly become comfortable about it and let myself have fun. I remember having one conversations in specific with Joe, we where at a bar and he told me: “This is your time to enjoy life, for all the time lost. Look at everybody, this the high school experience you never had…. go have fun!” Once he said that , I realized how right he was. I never had a girlfriend/boyfriend because I was trying to figure out who I really was because deep down I knew there was something missing. Joe’s words helped me understand that no matter what had happened in the past, it was time to move forward and enjoy myself – in other words embrace who I really am.

I needed someone to guide me in the way, he had gone through the same things I was going through at the time and hearing his experience and advice was something that I am very grateful for. He made my acceptance process much easier as he in someways helped me break the negative stereotypes I had about gay men in my head.

It has been 4 years since I met Joe, I can look back and see the progress that I have made on myself since I met him. From not being comfortable with my homosexuality to recently walking Gay Pride with him – “Gay and Proud.”  It is interesting to look back and see how one changes overtime, the things I thought I did not want to do then and the fear of allowing myself to be myself, are now in the past. I have overcome that phase and allowed myself to be me no matter what prejudice I had about it before. It is obvious that I am a different person NOW than I was three years ago.

*Friendships help us grow and open ourselves to new opportunities.

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Date Gone Bad!

April 11, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Date Gone Bad!

A few months later, when nothing exciting was going on in my life, when things were starting to get monotone and boring. I went out a friday night not expecting anything interesting or exciting about it. At this moment in life I had come to the conclusion that I could not find anybody in San Francisco, everybody was too effeminate for my taste. I guess, I was disappointed because every time I would go out, I would not see anybody that would catch my attention but this night I went with a friend to her friend’s birthday at a gay bar. We went to the bar and it was a big group of people hanging out in a room, it was kind of a lounge where people could easily talk to each other. The minute I walked in I saw a guy that was really cute in the group that caught my attention. It was kind of funny because we were wearing exactly the same thing. A white t-shirt, black jeans, and black leather jacket.

As we walked in, I was being introduced to everybody. We sat close to the cute guy, his name was Paul. We had the common conversation where are you from? How long have you lived here? Where do you work? etc. We talked all night and I felt there was kind of a connection, he seemed interested in me and felt like we were flirting a bit. My friend B was there with me and we were talking about Paul and how cute he was. We kept talking and drinking and we were having a good time, I thought he was a very smart person, he liked the latin culture and  spoke a little bit of spanish.

We kept talking until it was time to go at this point I had too many drinks on me. We said bye and that was it, I was expecting to exchange number and perhaps see him again. Soon after he came back running and asked for my number his friends left him behind as they were going to some other bars. I gave him my number and we kissed very briefly. It was very exciting, he was a cute guy and I wanted to see him again. I guess we would be in touch to hang out again.

We texted each other for sometime, we were not able to see each other mostly because he was too busy. I realized that I am a very inpatient person, I guess if I really like someone I make the effort to see that person soon after I meet them. This was not the case, we texted each other back and forth and made plans to see each other about a month after we first met. I was looking forward to it, I guess we had not been able to meet before because he had a busy schedule and travelled too but I was excited and looking forward to our “date.”

It was a coincidence that our “date” was the same day  I had finished school, which meant I was done with school and I was soon graduating from College. Given the reasons I was ready to celebrate and have a good time. My friends were joining us later on as many of them would be leaving once the semester was over. We had drinks got to talk and get to know each other better. I was obviously attracted to him and was excited that this was finally happening. We later met with my friends to go to a bar and dance. So just before going in my friends decided to buy a bottle of Jager and drink it amongst themselves straight from the bottle. So, me being super happy about graduating and finally being over with school decided to do a couple of shots before going in…. not a good decision!

We walked-in to the bar and great music was playing, we were all having a good time. I was talking to Paul and we were about to order drinks when we had a moment. At this point I was really drunk, and decided to go for it and kiss him. We had kissed before so I did not think it would be a big deal I knew he was attracted to me but when I decided to go for it he looked away! I could not believe this, I was in disbelief and jokingly wanted to slap him which I did but being drunk as I was, I fully slap him. Oppss!!! I seriously did not mean to slap him but obviously the alcohol played a major factor here.

I felt horrible and said sorry like 100 times, I could not believe I did that. He obviously did not like what just had happened but said it was okay, everything after this is kind of a blur. I know we talked more and told me I was a good kid. I barely remember much from the rest of the night. All I know is that I screwed it up. I did not feel that bad because I still do not understand why he would not kiss me. My only assumptions would be that he does not like PDA and does not feel comfortable kissing in public especially when its a straight bar, which we were that night. We texted back and forth for sometime, but never saw him again. A few weeks after the incident I received a text message from him saying merry christmas which I replied, I thought to myself perhaps there was still hope. I thought I could see him again after the holidays but  a few weeks after that, I saw on his Facebook page he had recently changed it from “single” to “in a relationship.”

I felt very disappointed, not that I was expecting to be in a relationship with him because things had gone so wrong in our first date that I don’t think there was no place for recovery but I knew I wanted to find someone that cared about me and knowing that someone looking for the same thing had found it somewhere else made me kind of sad and jealous. I wanted to have all those things and have new experiences with someone else but I guess that would have to wait.

 

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