So… What Happened?!

So-What-HappenedSo.. What Happened?!

Okay, I totally feel like a BIG flake…. Many months ago I said I was gonna come back and I came back for second and disappeared again and I am sorry about that. This is not the case this time, I promise! I owe everybody who cares about this blog an explanation about what happened and why I went away for a while.

As some of you  know, I created Zabi Knows it All a couple of years ago to talk about my experience coming out and hopefully help others through this process. I thought this would not only help myself by looking in retrospective at how far I have gone in my journey to self-acceptance but also inspire others who struggle with this.

I did this for a while and I truly enjoyed it, I still do! But at the time it was really hard to balance my time and maintaining the blog. I slowly started pushing it to the side until I completely let it go. Work, money and time had a lot to do with this and my priorities shifted, not that this is not important to me but at that time I needed to focus in other areas.

Not checking my blog periodically led me to lose my domain. I no longer owned, when I stopped blogging I always knew I would come back, I just needed the time to work on the things that needed my focus but after losing all of my information I thought, I moved my domain to and keep blogging that way. I did all the backend work to transfer all of my information from .com to .net (which for me is not easy at all!)  but when it was time to actually write and blog I was not present. I guess, my circumstances did not help which I will talk about on here.

This time I’m coming back again and I am committing to making this work. I love connecting with people from all over the world and talk about things that spark my interest about life and the struggles we encounter every day and how to overcome all of them.

Coming Out: Parents

Coming Out: Parents

coming-out 2

Summer time in San Francisco can be very depressing, it’s the coldest and foggiest time of the year. Being tired of the weather and a much needed change of scenery, I decided to make a quick trip to Miami. It happened that that weekend was my  birthday too, so it was the perfect excuse to leave San Francisco and go home to spend time with my family and enjoy the warm weather.

Having thought about it for a long time I had made up my mind and was ready to come out to my parents. It felt right, I no longer wanted to lie every time they would ask me if I had a girlfriend. I did not want to have that stress in my life anymore. I wanted to tell them the truth about myself and feel good about myself. Even if they did not approve and cut me off financially  I already had a job, which I could support myself completely. I didn’t think my parents would cut me off financially but I wanted to have a plan in case things did not work out my way.

My visit to Miami was very short, given that the flight from San Francisco to Miami is about 6 hours plus time change, basically a lost day just travelling which left me with two full days in Miami. My main objective on this trip was to come out to my parents, I didn’t tell my sister that I was planning on doing this because I did not want to have any negative feedback (You should wait…blah blah blah), I was determined to do this and it was time for them to know. I had to find an appropriate time to tell them but because of my short visit this did not happen. I wanted to tell them both at the same time so they would not feel there was any favoritism and perhaps hurt them. But as I said, I did not find the right time to do this.

On my birthday, we went to the beach had a good time and before going home we decided to stop at Target. I decided to grab a coffee at the Starbucks inside Target, I sat with my father to drink the coffee. I had him in front of me, this was it! I wanted him to hear this from me but as I thought about it, I got more and more nervous. I couldn’t do it – I didn’t. For one reason or another my father switched places with my mother and he went shopping with my brother. My mother was now sitting in front of me, this was it… Now or never.

I felt my heart was going to get out of my chest, I started by saying: “Mom, you may already know but I needed to tell you, I’m gay” her face with dropped with sadness and shock, she said: “Why?” I explained further and we were both crying at a Starbucks in Target – Yes, I came out at Target! She held my hand and told me she loved me no matter what. She said: “you are my son as long as you are happy I’m happy”  I was very relieved with my mom’s reaction. I knew this would be a long process but we were definitely on the right track. I told her not to tell my dad because I wanted to tell him. She agreed to this and I thought I would be able to tell my father in time before I left. This never happened and I left for San Francisco the next day early in the morning.

It was hard to do this in such a short time, I don’t think there was time to process this information and talk more about it. I told my mother the night before leaving and then the next day I left very early in the morning. After coming out to my mother, she would call me everyday. I guess, she was worried about me and my well-being. Her hopes and dreams for me had been shifted (marriage, kids, family, wife?) Because I had asked not to tell my dad, she was not able to talk to him about anything, I was planning on telling my father the next time I was with him but given that we both live apart from each other, this would make it difficult to do.

It had been about a month or two and I noticed my father would not come up to the phone to talk to me and if he did it would be very briefly. I suspected my mother had told him, I asked my mother if she did. She told me she did because she felt she was keeping a secret from him and could barely sleep at night. I asked her how he took the news, she said: “Our love for you will never change.” I guess my father needed time to process this information, which I understood completely – It took me about 2 years to finally accept myself.

One of the things I was worried the most when coming out was how my family would treat me. Would it change? Would they look at me differently? What would they think of me? Would our interaction change? In my experience, nothing changed. Everybody in my family was very supportive and embraced it. Some of them did not quite understand it but accepted the fact that I’m gay. I know I cannot expect to be 100% fine with it because it took me a while to be fine with it myself but I had made the right step in order to move into that direction. They were all open to learn more about the gay community and try to understand.

I look back and think about the many years I thought about this to the point of almost driving myself crazy about the negative scenarios that could possibly be but this never happened and now this was finally over at least the harder part. I remember keeping this secret for the longest time and thinking I’d rather die than letting anyone know or find out about my sexuality. Over thinking something can bring us into a really dark place, where we can be our worst enemies.

I think we all know when is the right time to come out. We have to expect the worse and hope for the best as we never know what our family’s reaction can be. I decided to be honest with myself because I hate lying and I just wanted to be free of it all and live my life the way I wanted to – Luckily things worked out for me.

Changes and Transition

Changes and Transition


There comes a time in our lives where we are so used to the routine that when is time to change we freak out. We think we have everything figured out and when it’s time to go further to the next level we are afraid or just not ready. This is exactly what happened to me right after college, I had been looking forward to graduating and being a responsible adult but when the time came I realized I was not ready for these changes.

After four years of hard work, I had finally reached my biggest goal yet, to become a college graduate – A professional. It was a mix of emotions because I was super excited to have reached something that I had set my mind on getting for a long time but at the same time I was hesitant for what was to come. I no longer needed to study, which I had done most of my life, and now it was time for me to act as an adult and support myself.

Luckily for me I landed a job right after college. I had the opportunity to be at an office and work from 9am-5pm having experienced this and working there for a few months. I realized I was too young for this to be doing this for the rest of my life. I was only 22 years old at the time and felt I needed to travel and have new experiences.

I was going through a weird transitions where I did not know where I stood, I had studied all of my life and that was what was expected from me. Now, this was over and now I had to face reality and  be a responsible adult. It was a tough time for me because I had to re-structure my life and set my priorities which had changed now that I had reached my biggest goal yet.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life,  I felt I was at time in my life where any decision I made would affect the rest of my life. If I keep the job, I would probably work and grow professionally and not have the time to travel and see the world. If I travel, I would probably have a hard time finding a job and most likely be stuck in life. I had thought about this over and over and I knew I did not want to go home, it felt going home would be a big step back in life and that was not the direction I wanted to go.

I knew I wanted to travel and see the world, I had never been to Europe other than Spain. I still wanted that experience of traveling and getting to see the different cultures in these countries. I did not just want to visit, I wanted to be there and learn about their lifestyle. It was obvious that I wanted to go somewhere else, San Francisco had been an incredible place that helped me grow and get to know myself better but I knew it was time for a change. I had been in San Francisco for 4 year and I was ready for something new and exciting. I was not sure how this would  happen but I knew I would make it happen.

Finishing a chapter in life and starting a new one is not always easy, I can frankly say that. I thought I was the only one but having shared my experience with friends and family, I have learned  that it is a common thing we all go through at some point in our lives. There is never a right or wrong answer when we decide what to do with our lives. We just have to take risks in life to in order to move forward and even if we don’t have the answers to our questions, take a break and soon you’ll find them.

Confident and Shy

Confident and Shy

Shy-and-confidentHaving talked about my new phase in life and how i felt great about myself (Self-Confidence), I noticed I am a shy person. Yes, I feel good about myself and though I do not think I am a hot, I know I am good looking person but going to bars and trying to start a conversation with an stranger is very hard for me.

As I said before, I have many friends and I consider myself a very social person and make friends easily but when it comes to meeting and there is an interest in between, like being physically attracted, I immediately shut down. I get nervous, shy and try not to talk to that person instead of doing the opposite. It’s a weird way of thinking but I do not want the person to know I am interested because it would be too obvious.

It can be very intimidating going to a bar and seeing many men staring at you. When that happens, I try to look everywhere but their eyes, I know if I look at their eyes I will feel uncomfortable and awkward, at least for me it will. I am not sure how to behave in a situation like this, should I look back and stare at the other person until they look away?

I have realized, I do not know myself in that sense, I don’t know what to say or do. I now have the freedom to pursuit what I want and what I like but I feel I do not know this part of me. I have never made a move on someone before, I never tried going after a girl because deep down I knew I was gay and never with a boy because I did not want people to know about my sexuality.

I am assuming that is another reason why I never had a relationship with a girl besides knowing that I was gay, I never knew how to hit on a girl. I guess, my confidence level to talk to someone and confess my interest was something that I avoided doing for being scared to rejection. I know rejection is part of life and we have to be okay with it when it happens but growing up I preferred not putting myself in a situation like that.

I was now aware that it was time to change this and be “less shy” time to get out of my confort zone to get the things I wanted. Even tough it is harder said than done, I was very optimistic and willing to push myself to change this about me. As my family says: “being shy does not take anywhere…. you miss many opportunities.” This is completely true, I now look back and though I knew I needed to change this about me it took me more time than I wished but at this point in my life I truly feel like the shyness in me has gone in regards to meeting people and holding conversations with strangers.

Gays and Girls

Gays and Girls


I have noticed friendships between a gay and a girl work great. I think it is the perfect combination, both parties complement each other and there is no interest in between. I usually have a special bond with girls and we tend to end up being good friends. I can honestly say, I have more girlfriends than boyfriends for some reason I bond easier with girls than boys.

After thinking about this for some time, I decided to share this with my my sister. She, on the other hand, gets along better with boys. She thinks girls are competitive and catty. I can agree with this because I have seen it happen but I guess I try not to get involved in the cattiness and the dramma that usually happens amongst girls. I enjoy spending time with my friends but when it comes to dealing with dramma, I try not to get involved. I am not a confrontational person, so whenever there is an argument, I am the first person to remove myself from a situation like that. I always try to include different groups of friends and hope everybody gets along. This doesn’t always work out but it is nice to get friends together and hope my circle of friends gets even bigger.

Relationships between gays and girls is very honest. In my experience, I can talk about anything with my girlfriends and they usually let loose and open up too. Sometimes, conversations get too raw and dirty which I find it interesting because I realize how comfortable they feel about our friendship that we can discuss things like this. I should ask my girlfriends about this but in my opinion girls like spending time with gays because we are honest. We do what we want we do what we like…. In other hands we do not deal with the BS.

In life, gays learn to not care about what people say about them, having to deal with the daily judgement from society, makes us stronger individuals and we learn not to judge people as people judges us. For this reason, I believe many girls enjoy our company, we usually say it like it is and we dont care what people think, we live an honest life and do what we feel.

I love my girls and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. I would appreciate to hear from the girls about their opinion about this or share their experience with gay friends. Do you agree with my opinion?

Gay Snob?

Gay Snob


I know the word snob has a very negative connotation and perhaps I am using the wrong word to describe myself. I don’t believe I am a snob, as the word is defined as a person who believes that some people are inherently inferior to him for a variety of reasons. I consider myself to have a good taste and like good things (food, restaurants, bar, clothes, etc).

I consider myself someone open-minded, I can adjust to any environment and I genuinely enjoy it, I love when there is a variety of options and in my opinion that’s what makes things special. I can be at the nicest restaurant and the next day eat at the ugliest food truck that has the best food. I don’t necessarily consider myself a snob because I can see more than there is. I don’t close myself to the opportunity of going a a bar or restaurant if is not in a nice area or if is not cool enough. I know people that would not even make the attempt to try something new just because they have no interest.

I am saying this because I sometimes feel like a snob in the gay community, why? Because when I go to gay bars the majority of them are trashy/tacky and though I enjoy going to them, is not a nice environment. People do not take the effort to make it a nice place, it feels like they just open a place where there’s music and alcohol, and they know all the gays will come. I wish there was more of a variety of places, in my opinion they are all very similar and not sophisticated at all. I have talked about this with my closest friends and they agree with my perception about gay bars, I am not sure if they would be considered snobs too but I think it’s more of having options rather than wanting to go to “nice” places.

I think many gays are snobs in the sense they like good things and like to have a good lifestyle, I consider myself to be a hard working person and hope to be able to afford the lifestyle I am used to and more once I become financially independent.

Last Counselor Visit

Last Counselor Visit


After visiting my family for the break, I was ready to finally being back in San Francisco for a new semester in school. I was ready for the changes a new semester in school would bring. I felt much comfortable in school I kind of knew what to expect in classes, I already knew some people and that obviously made a big change from being lost on campus and not knowing anybody.

I was happy to be back in San Francisco, I felt home. Even though being home [Miami] was more comfortable because I had a bigger room, bigger closet and obviously my family was there, I felt I already had my life in San Francisco. I guess, I was appreciating my “independence” I was behaving as an adult, taking charge of my life and making my own decisions. I felt I was moving forward and though like anyone some days were better than others but I no longer felt bad about my life. For this reason, I decided to make my last visit to my counselor.

I decided to see a counselor a few months back because I knew there was something wrong with myself [Internally Homophobic] but I accepted to see one because it was confidential, as I was afraid my family would found out. The only downside about my school counselor was that they only allowed about six free sessions. Had already used four of them I decided to stop because I felt good about myself and though I did not have everything figured out, I knew I could continue on by myself. I knew other problems or questions may come up in the future and I wanted those two sessions to be there in case I needed them.

I discussed my decision to stop my sessions with my counselor, I felt we were running out of things to talk about and I did not feel the sessions where being as helpful as the were in the beginning. I told him I felt much better and I wanted to have those last two sessions in case I had other curiosities. I knew the minute I met someone I would have new questions, new things would come up as I did not know that part of myself. He understood my decision and before I left the room, I asked him for a hug. We left things opened to a new session in the near future.

I was so grateful with my counselor, he helped me work through problems I have dealt with all my life and find a solution to them. I appreciated his help and had grown to like him as a friend. I will never forget him as he has been an important person in my life to find internal peace.

I recommend to anyone who needs help to talk to a friend, family member or a professional about anything that might concern you. It is important to let everything out and not in as it can slowly eat us up and put us in a bad place. In my case going to see a therapist helped me infinitely. I love going to see a therapist because it’s an opportunity to talk to someone who does not know you and look at things from an objective perspective and help figure out the right path to find the solutions.


Home Visit

Home Visit

Family-visitIt was time to head home for the fist time after leaving for college, I was excited to see my family because it had been a long time since I last saw them but at the same time I felt guilty because I was doing stuff that my family would not approve of. I was worried because I knew I was going to have to deal with my feelings once again and I did not want that. I was happy living in San Francisco having my freedom and here I had to go back to being cautious about my behavior. I felt I was going backwards, I had improved so much and felt good about myself but not being able to fully be myself around my family was making me uncomfortable.

I was finally home and though I enjoyed my time with my family, I felt in a way I was being hypocrite. I was in a different stage in my life and coming home would bring me back to a place where I never want to go back. I had many insecurities: I did not know myself well enough and I was easily influenced by people but I was no longer any of those things. I had matured and gotten to know myself better, in other words, I had a defined personality and nothing was going to change that.

After being home for a few weeks, I realized I had changed a lot. I noticed I no longer found certain topics I looked forward to talking with family and friends relevant, I no longer cared about going out to the “cool” clubs that my circle of friends at home would hang out. I no longer cared about any of these things, I was actually disappointed to know that nothing had changed since I left. Same people hanging out with the same people, frequenting the same places, and doing the same old thing. I was definitely used to my new lifestyle, doing other things that I found more fulfilling than going out and showing off.  I had met people from all over the world that added more value to my life. I was learning about new cultures, lifestyles and languages. I was interacting with people I never thought I would have the opportunity to meet.

In the other hand, I came home to see my friends doing the same old things and I realized I could never move back home. I find home [Miami] to be a very superficial/materialistic place. It is a place predominantly ran by society levels, the more money you have the more interesting you are. Everybody seems to be in constant competition to show off what they own and nobody is happy. Even though I was used to that lifestyle before I left for San Francisco, I realized there are other places where people do not CARE about things like this.

Moving to San Francisco, helped me open my eyes and look at life differently. I grew up in a place where everybody did the same things, visited the same places, and behave a certain way. I have to admit I did all these things but not because I liked doing those things but because I wanted to fit in and more or less I felt forced to do them. I knew when I decided to move to San Francisco, I was looking for a change in many ways, I was tired of the lifestyle, the people and the behavior. I wanted to explore a different place where people would be more accepting, friendly and welcoming and gladly chose a great place to do that.

It was clear to me that I was growing and changing, I was no longer the innocent, awkward kid that left Miami. I knew exactly what I wanted and what made me happy. For a long time I felt I did not fit anywhere but now I was getting to know myself and discovering myself in different facets of my life.

Coming Out: Friends

Coming Out: Friends


I have learned over the years that we never stop coming out of the closet. We think, we only have to come out to our friends and relatives and that is the end of it. But in reality, every time we meet someone new, we will eventually have to come out to them.

During my time in college, I became friends with a lot of the international students. Every semester a new group of people would come to my school, it was exciting to meet people from all over the world. As time went by I realized, I handled my coming out process much better with every group. It became natural and at some points did not feel like a coming out. I guess, I was feeling more comfortable with myself and if people could tell I was gay I did not care anymore, something I was worried for a long time. It felt as if my Internal Homophobia was finally gone, I felt good about myself and I think I was able to project that.

It is kind of ironic, I was worried about changing my behavior and becoming “too gay” for so long but at this point in my life I did not care, I just felt good. Being surrounded by a group of people that supported me, helped me so much along the way. I had good friends and appreciated all of them for being there when I needed them the most.

Being open to meet new people, I realized I had changed in the way I chose my friends. I noticed, I could tell right away if I wanted someone to be my friend or not jut by their way of thinking. I knew if I met open minded people, I would be fine. I did not feel I should invest time and effort on people that could eventually find my sexuality an issue. I knew who I was and did not feel the need to change for others, I no longer was trying to fit in.

After coming out to my friends and having positive responses, I learned to appreciate myself. If someone did not accept me for who I was I did not have any interest in becoming friends. I felt a stronger person and other people’s opinion did not affect me anymore. I guess, this is how I was supposed to feel all along.

I no longer had to pretend, I was relaxed and being myself. I was not trying to act more masculine or being cautious with the way I handled myself. If my new friends could tell I was gay, then it would make the “coming out” process easier. It was no longer: I have to come out to my friends! It would naturally come up and the conversation would continue. Before, I felt I needed to explain myself but now it would just be part of the conversation and people could take it however they wanted it. I now knew who I was and I had no intentions of changing myself. I finally, had gotten to the point where I could value myself for who I was and not care about other people opinion, I was strong enough to handle rejection if that were the case. It was good to finally get to that point that not long ago seemed so far away. I was finally happy with myself!


Ugly Duckling Syndrome

Ugly Duckling Syndrome


Thinking about what many gay people go through in life to be happy with themselves leads me to believe, we all go through the ugly duckling syndrome. I looked for the definition to see if it was similar to my definition and it said: “Ugly duckling syndrome: Is when beautiful people who didn’t get pretty until high school or later, and were nice because they were ugly. Niceness carries over through life.”

After reading this definition I could not agree more with it, I believe a lot of gay people can identify with the ugly duckling syndrome because we tend to go through an awkward phase in our lives where we are not sure where we fit in, we go through an internal battle that usually affects us in many ways. Our confidence level drops and we no longer care about ourselves. Once we work through these problems we enter a new phase in life, where we start changing our behavior. Some people take longer than others to get here but once they do, a lot of changes take place.

In my case, it took me a while to accept myself and work through these issues, I let myself go for a while but once I knew what the problem was, I decided to work on it and try to fix it. I entered a new phase in life where I felt it was time for me to change and work on the things I thought I was lacking. I lacked self-confidence so I decided to do what was appropriate to change this, I started working out and eventually I felt so much better about myself not only physically but also mentally.

All the changes came naturally, I started changing the way I dressed and the way I looked and I noticed people were complementing my new look and how good I looked. Then while having dinner  with friends, one of them said:  ”Everybody who is gay and comes out of the closet all of the sudden starts looking good. They lose weight, they care about their looks and become hotties.” After she said that I thought about this and realized I was going through the ugly duckling syndrome.

I think everybody goes through this phase at some point in their lives but I am certain that some people take longer than others especially gay people. I went through this phase about 4 years ago and decided, if I wanted to have someone else in my life, I needed to like myself in order for others to like me. I wanted to get in shape because I knew I could not expect to have someone in shape next to me if I did not take care of myself. I know looks are not everything but in our time being they play an essential part in our lives. I just wanted to feel good the way I looked and hearing it from people helped me believe I was getting there.

I have heard people say that some people [popular kids] in high school peak early on in life because they are used to having everything  easier, they are the “leaders” and think they own the world. Perhaps, many of us wished to be the popular kid in school but for many that was not the case. For this reason, I believe that we have grown stronger to be where we are right now. I feel I am 100% different from the shy kid I was in school, trying to fit in. I have seen some of my old classmates, the “popular ones” and I feel their peak period is long gone because some never succeeded when they looked to have a promising future, some were soccer players that never went anywhere and I see them now and some of them live in the same town, hanging out with the same people, and doing the same old things.

I look at myself and think about all the struggles I have gone through to be where I am now. It has not been easy but I am happy to be here and still have goals in life I wish to reach. Looking at some of my friends experience shows me that having everything too easily is not good because we do not appreciate what we have. Being gay has shown me that even though life may seem hard at times, it is worth living it because it gets better. There are a lot of things we need to go through in order to appreciate ourselves and not let other people’s thoughts affect us.

The ugly duckling syndrome helped me to finally see who I really am and finally find the people that like me for who I am. Even though it was a long way, I got there and I am happy to be here, I am surrounded by people that love me and admire me for who I am. I am a more confident person and consider myself to be a nice person because I can put myself in the shoes of other people that could be struggling with this. It is not easy but once we get through it, life becomes so much better.